A letter to my beautiful son.

My sweet boy,

If I could protect you from all the pain and unfairness in this world, I would in a heartbeat. If I could absorb every time you'll feel rejection, loneliness, suffering, and hurt, I would a million times. Life is unpredictable, it can be painfully unfair.

My dreams and hopes for you and our future were way different than this less than ideal situation we're in right now. I had dreams of spending days exploring with you, teaching you, watching you learn and grow. Fishing off the dock, enjoying the sunset, exploring nature, watching birds, finding shapes in clouds. Things change, bubba. Life happens. Part of living life is learning to adapt to these changes, whether they are easy or difficult. I know it's not easy. I see how difficult this has been on you. I'm sorry.

I want you to know how much I love you. That even on days when I don't see you, you never leave the front of my mind. I think about you 24/7. I long to hold you every second of every day. I am trying my best to build a life for us so that we don't have to struggle. Working full time and going to school full time was much more difficult than I expected it to be. I never anticipated being a single mom. I never imagined it would be this hard. Just know that I am doing this for you, for us. It won't be forever. Just bear with me, my strong warrior. I promise it won't be forever.

I want you to see the world, to invest in helping others, because that's where beauty and joy is. These things are not found in material items, it's found all around us and in the hearts of others you meet. Never stop searching for that in every situation in life.

Just because your daddy and I are no longer married doesn't mean we love you any less. You are my entire world, and the very best part of me. Your daddy will always have a special place in my heart because he gave me you. This past year hasn't been easy for you or me, and I'm so sorry. We live in a broken world, with broken people. What happened between your dad and I is not your fault, for any reason. Things happen, people change. Some times, you have to make decisions that are painfully difficult. But it's through pain that growth happens. Remember that.

My prayer for you is that you grow up with a solid foundation and confidence in who you are. That every person you meet, you treat with respect. That you defend those without a voice. You fight for those who can't fight for themselves. And you love everyone. There is a God who loves you with a love that can't be measured. I pray you find that love, you feel that hunger, and you chase after Him. That in every relationship, you love the other person as God would want you to love them – unconditionally.

I am so proud of you. You have come so far. Every time you throw your arms around me, I feel the little baby who's favorite place was my arms. I never wanted you to feel any pain, and I never wanted you to feel pain from my decisions. But God allows pain so that something more beautiful than before can be born. His plans for us are not my plans, and His dreams for us are bigger than my dreams. Hang in there, my beautiful boy. Our time of rest is coming soon. Mommy is working hard to get there. I love you with a love so fierce.

- Mommy