Monday, August 10, 2015

A Tinder Social Experiment

Anyone divorced can tell you... entering the dating world after a divorce is the most unnatural, awkward, scary, and downright confusing thing following such a life changing event.  I was with my ex for 6.5 years.  I didn't date and didn't kiss anyone but him, for 6.5 years.  From the time I met him (working in a bar), to when my divorce was finalized, things had radically changed.  Gone were the simple days of posting my poetry on Xanga, talking on the phone with your crush, meeting someone at some random place or social gathering.  It was now Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, Tinder, Plenty Of Fish, OkCupid, Match, so much social overload.

My first night going out with my brother after the divorce, I had a guy come up and ask what my username was on Plenty Of Fish.  I told him I didn't have one, to which he looked at me funny and walked away.  I went back to ask my brother what Plenty Of Fish was, and he opened my eyes to the current world of dating and apps.  Oh, the many apps.  About an hour later, a 2nd guy came up to ask me the same question, to which I replied, "I'm not on Plenty Of Fish, but I'm standing right here in front of you.  Ask me whatever you want to know."  He looked at me, shocked, and didn't have a word to say.  What the heck was going on?  Why did someone need to check you out on an app before having a conversation with you to get to know you?

The first guy I dated following my divorce was an ex.  I dated this guy a year before I met my ex-husband.  We reconnected and picked up where we left off, which ended.  A few dates here and there, and then in January I met a guy while out that I dated for a while.  We were both in different places in life with different dreams so I ended it.  Same story with the next guy I hit it off with.  Absolutely incredible man, just wanted different things.  Tried things again with the first ex after my divorce, and that was a mess.  I made a commitment to be single, to enjoy life, and travel with my boy.  I just wanted to knock out life with the support of my son, my family, and my friends.

Being single, especially a single woman, has so much social stigma.  It drives me mad.  Why can't a woman be happy and single?  Why can't a woman travel on her own?  Why can't a woman protect herself?  Why does a woman need a man to keep her warm at night?  Tip: Heating pads & heated blankets work just fine, and you can turn them off when you're not in the mood for them... hahaha, pun intended.  I can easily get off on a rabbit trail about why we desire companionship, but that's another blog post for another day.  The point is, I had so many friends (you know who you are) that continued to give me a hard time about not dating.  "You need to date, Liz.  Casually.  Just meet people.  Go have fun.  See what's out there.  Figure out what you want."  So in an effort to shut those friends up (love y'all), I saw a social experiment at my finger tips...

Google Play, Search > Tinder, Install, Open.

Tinder is a simple app - 6 pictures, 500 words to spill your "I like long walks on the beach, candle lit dinners, pink roses, my friends say I'm amazing, and I never nag" b.s. resume.  You can also link your Instagram to it.  Then the first picture shows up.  A profile, of however many pictures they chose to post, whatever they chose to write about themselves.  Swipe left if you don't like them, swipe right if you do.  If/when they swipe right on your profile, you get a "Match" notification, where you can choose to message them.  There's only one problem with this... it's a human buffet.

In the two times I've ever gone through men and swiped, there's been several matches.  I've met some serious douches on there (I mean... I won't even go there), but I've also been pleasantly surprised by meeting some pretty awesome dudes.  A few photographers, Christians, those new to the area wanting to meet people, etc.  But there is something so wrong with this app.  And with other apps like it.

Fundamentally, people desire companionship and to be happy.  If you ask most people what their greatest fear is (I try to ask everyone this at some point), it's almost always a resounding "ending up alone" or "loosing someone and being alone".  This drives us to find a husband/wife, someone to share moments with.  To dance this beautiful ballad of life with, with all the twists and turns, the fast and the slow, the dips, spins, lifts, the closeness, the intimacy.  But the thrill of landing a hundred matches in a day, of seeing a gorgeous man who also swiped right, it releases dopamine which is a neurotransmitter that plays a huge role in reward-motivated behavior.  It also plays a roll in controlling the release of other hormones (which explains the extreme emotional highs and lows behind modern day social dating).  Ironic that addictive drugs also triggers your body to release dopamine?  It's all builds together to create a psychological pattern of behavior.

So then what happens when you hit it off with someone?  Or when you hit it off with several?  How do you choose when you have 20 conversations going at once?  The grass is always greener, swipe more, see what else is out there.  "Oh, this guy looks incredible, I'd like to get to know him."  Swipe right.  Match.  Great conversation.  "What else is out there?"  Swipe, swipe, swipe... "Oh, he's even more gorgeous!  Impressive resume.  CUTE PUPPY!"  Swipe right.  Match.  Great conversation.  When does it end?  Where do we stop?  How can you possibly find your "Match" while looking at a buffet of thousands of people having conversations with several of them while they do the exact same thing?

Here's what I learned from my first failed marriage.  You will never find a perfect relationship.  Or a perfect partner.  They don't exist.  There will be so many joys, and believe me that having that daily intimacy and partnership is worth every bit of sweat and tears you put into it.  But there are many downs.  There are times when you question your sanity when you agreed to marry this human laying beside you snoring loudly.  There will be times that you miss your single days, days where you could be selfish and not have to think of anyone else.  And here in lies the danger...

In a marriage, you have to be satisfied with the person you chose.  You don't always feel satisfied, but you cannot go out seeking satisfaction from anywhere but in your marriage.  If we, as young adults and singles, create these psychological patterns of seeking out a constant dopamine rush, then how does that effect our marriage when it hits hard times?  When instead of a dopamine rush, it's an adrenaline rush.  How do we get that dopamine rush?  It's the same concept as porn.  It effects the brain the same way.

Proverbs 5:15-19 - Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well.  Should your springs overflow in the streets, your streams of water in the public squares?  Let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers.  May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.  A love doe, a graceful deer - may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love.

Maybe I'm just old school.  I prefer to meet people organically.  Meet for coffee, drinks, watch the sunset.  I believe a man should date/court/pursue a woman exclusively if he is genuinely interested in her, or clearly friend zone her if he's not.  But I believe intentions from both sides should be known.  And if you're swiping left, left, right, left, right... then when do you decide that what you have is enough?

Those who know me know my heart.  Having tried things my own way originally, it's not something I want to do the second time around.  If that's what God wants for me.  To the cool dudes I have met on Tinder, sorry if you feel used for a social experiment.  But you have my information to stay in touch because I still think you're pretty awesome. :)

In conclusion about my Tinder Experiment:
Did I meet my future husband?  I don't know.
Did I meet my next hookup?  Nope, that's not how I roll.
Did I meet some men I could date and give things a shot with?  Absolutely.

However, Tinder, the human buffet app, appears to do nothing but feed the parts of our soul that corrupt a good thing when we have it.


Google Play, Search > Tinder, Uninstall.