I never thought I would be sitting down to write a post like this. I never thought it would ever get this far. The absolute worst part about social media is the image we portray. The happy, joyful, look at this yummy food, look at my makeup, look how awesome my family/husband/wife/kids are, look at all the best parts of my life. Facebook, and social media, is used solely for the crescendos in life. The times when things are up. When things are easy, joyful, and we feel satisfied. But there's so much more to us, to you, to me, than what we show on social media. This isn't a pity party/poor me blog post, it's a final effort to be open, honest, and vulnerable with my friends and fans.
I have been so ashamed to admit how much I was falling apart inside until I can no longer fake it. Until the depression is too deep or strong to deny. My life fell apart in 2014 beginning with my marriage all the way to the health of my dad, who was my biggest rock. From there, it was one blow after another after another. The deaths of 15 people. The struggle to make ends meet in two industries (esthetics and photography) that is not easy or for the faint of heart. The time away from my son, who is my entire world, hurts more than I could put into words. The baggage God brought out for me to deal with in the middle of my residency. The unexpected expenses and financial burdens. All of it is to the point that it's too much. I am to the point that I am struggling to reach out and love those who have reached out to me. I am struggling to connect with others in my life. I am just struggling.
I know what God says and how He views me. I know what His plan is for me. I'm drawing closer to Him than I ever have in my entire life, and will continue to. I don't need a sermon and I don't want pity. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. This is life. Every single one of us has our ebbs and flows, our highest points and our lowest. This is just one of my lowest right now, and this blog post is to apologize to those I have hurt in my 2 year long low point. Those who feel like I don't care about them anymore, who feel ignored, neglected. For friendships that have fallen to the way side. I apologize for my silence in my business. For my inconsistency in all of it. I thought my grief, loss, pain, was something I could shove to the side and ignore, and continue to work hard. I was wrong. I have slowly been unable to shove it aside any longer. And here's the thing I struggle with the most to say... I deserve time to be able to deal with these things that hurt. I should be able to deal with them without grief from others. So in an effort to be completely transparent, I am going to take some time for me to deal with this grief. I apologize now, for the past hurt my silence has caused and for any pain the silence might cause in the future.
I need time to mourn. I need time to cry. I need time to confront the pain I feel in my heart over the loss of loved ones and the struggle I've been in. I need time to dig it all out, clean it up, and put it all back together again. I don't have a clue how long this will take. The weight I feel right now can't be described in any word in any language. It's just going to take time.
My heart, the deepest desire of my heart, is to love others with everything I have. To be in a place where I can't seem to give much love because of my pain feels like total failure. And I am sorry. I need to heal. Depression is a dark pit, and right now, this is the pit Jesus needs to meet me in. So fellow Christians, please, if you're going to tell me to get over it or snap out of it, if you're going to tell me I'm not walking in the truth that He lays out for me, if you're going to judge any of it, save your words and your breath. I just ask for understanding, patience, and grace.
Romans 12:9-16 - Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope. patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with the Lord's people who are in need. Practice hospitality. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-11 - There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tea down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stories and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace. What do workers gain from their toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. He has made everything beautiful in it's time.
