At once the Spirit sent Him out into the wilderness... Mark 1:12

My life has often felt like a desert.  A whole lot of wandering, fighting, searching long and hard for water, shelter, rest.  You wander too long, and you start to feel crazy.  Things become overwhelming, you have hopes for things that aren't really there.  We've all seen movies where dehydration creates delusion, and how true that is for real life.  Simply with the lack of nourishing rest in our busy every day lives often lead us down paths of disappointment and heartache.  June 14th, I experienced the love of God like I had never known before.  I became apparently aware of my brokenness, and my deep need for Him.  I began seeking Him daily, and it was then He continued to bring me to the New Testament where Jesus was called into the desert to fast and pray in preparation for the calling on Him that was ahead.  Sure enough, God placed a calling of ministry on my life.  It was something I didn't see coming, especially living in this cloud of shame.  Divorced, single mom, struggling to make ends meet, nearing 30 years old with no college whatsoever.  I knew God was calling me out into a desert so He could meet with me.  What I didn't realize was that this desert would be literal.

So here I am, sharing with a friend my need to experience God in a radical way, who recommended Zion.  Utah?  Awesome.  Never been.  Lots to see.  I can do that.  Booked my ticket for 3 days.  Over the course of a month, I would extend the territory I was going to see to all over southern Utah, and extend my stay to 7 days.  I boarded that plane on September 11th with not a clue what God was going to do in my life, but I knew two things He wanted to work on.  My fear of being alone, and my need for control.

He did just that, and so much more.  He brought so much more to the surface for me to tackle.  As I confronted, fought, and conquered these issues, He started replacing the strongholds these agreements had in my life with peace, joy, confidence, strength, and knowledge.  He laid this incredible foundation on who He says I am and who He has called me to be, not who the world sees and who I've known myself to be.  I could write an entire book about the different things God showed me in Utah, and maybe I will, but there's one specific thing I wanted to share today.

The fear of being alone.  So many friends and family members were terrified when they heard I was going to explore Utah alone.  That fear increased when the horrid news came in on Monday of 7 hikers missing in a canyon at Zion where I had just been.  I am overwhelmed at the amount of people reaching out to make sure I was okay.  The families of those who lost loved ones in Keyhole Canyon are in my prayers, as it is an awful tragedy.  It was a humbling reminder of how fleeting life is, and how we are not invincible to the forces of nature.  A reminder of why we, as humans, crave companionship.  Men crave their ezer kenegdo (Genesis 2:18), and women crave their companion in an adventure.  While confronting my brokenness, I knew I needed God to be my ezer kenegdo and my companion in this adventure.  I needed to be somewhere completely dependent and in harmony with Him.  I needed a spiritual re-awakening.  A revival in my heart for the role God desires to have in my life.  Boarding that plane I asked God to meet me, to radically change me, and He far exceeded my expectations.  I woke up on Sunday in Zion surrounded in His total peace.  Not once the entire trip did I ever feel alone, did I ever feel like there was something missing.  He filled every need, plus some.  Sure, there were a few people I missed.  Desperately.  But never once was I alone.

Sunday, I was going to hike Angel's Landing.  I had my dad's ashes to scatter at the top.  I knew it was going to be a grueling hike, but I didn't have a clue just how much it would take.  God is funny, because He brings people into our lives at the moment when we need them.  I had met a gentleman the evening before while shooting the sunset that I had the privilege of teaching astrophotography to that same night.  He texted me Sunday morning as I was arriving to the shuttle to head to Angel's Landing wanting to join me on my hiking excursion.  So without knowing each other aside from the brief conversations we had the night before, we set out to hike what would be a very close second to the most monumental day of my life.  With my huge pack on my back, all of my camera gear, lots of water, and sore legs from the day before, we hiked 1400 feet up the side of a mountain, along an extremely narrow ledge the last 0.5 miles, to the very top of Angel's Landing.  I can say, without question, that hiking this was more challenging than natural childbirth.  Terrified at moments, nauseous and dizzy at times, it took a stranger to see in me what I doubted all along, and to push me past what I thought I was capable of.  God gave me incredible strength to face my fear of heights, of death, of loneliness, of strangers, and because of Him I made it to the top.  Only at the top, I was faced with this deep ache I've had in my soul, which is caused by holding on to things when God is saying "let go and let Me."  On top of Angel's Landing, after conquering what I thought I couldn't do, I let go of some of my dad's ashes.  That might have been harder than the hike/climb to the top.  Instant peace overcame my soul when I saw his ashes fall and scatter to the side of the ledge I was sitting on while my feet dangled 1400 feet above ground.  Almost instantly, directly in front of my dad and I, a little cell with a pretty strong updraft started forming.  A small rain shaft, some lightning, I sat there on the ledge in awe watching this.  I had no doubt it was a sweet reminder that God has me in His arms pressed against His heart, and that He has my dad.

Often times in life, we're faced with things we don't want to face.  Things that are taunting, scary, steep, challenging, above our skill level.  And most of the time, we feel like we're facing them alone.  Which is exactly where God wants us.  It's taken me a long time to see that at moments when we're faced with such difficult tasks, He wants us completely dependent on Him.  To take that first step with a "Yes, I will be dependent on You.  You are everything I need.  I trust you, Lord.  Completely."  And that at the exact moments He knows we need that extra push in these mountains of life, He sends others into our lives to walk along side us.  Some for moments, others for a lifetime.

I came down off that mountain a completely changed woman.  He answered the number one question I have struggled with my entire life.  I know how strong I am, because I know the foundation for which He has laid for me.  The foundation that I am enough because He is enough.  I am enough for whatever He brings me to because He is enough to bring me through it.  I am enough for whatever mountain He calls me to climb because He has enough strength for me to climb it.  I am enough for whoever He brings into my life because He is enough for me.  He is all I need.  All I'll ever need in this life.  And if He, the King of Kings, can declare over me that I am called by Him for a role in this grand adventure of life, then who am I to question the ability He has given me?

My father and my mother cannot validate who I am as a woman.  My sister, and the close family I hold dear cannot validate me as a woman, either.  The amount of followers on Instagram, friends on Facebook, the amount of likes or comments this blog post will get, doesn't validate me as a woman.  The amount of fans that have my prints hanging in their homes doesn't validate who I am as a woman.  The amount of men pursuing me, or the man I'm dating, or the man I marry, cannot validate who I am as a woman.  Knowing the foundation and promise for which God calls me to stand firm and secure on is what validates me.  Knowing that He is enough for me, makes me enough for everything in this life.

When you understand the foundation we're given to stand on, loneliness doesn't exist.  We exist to have an intimate relationship with the Lord.  When we press into Him for that intimate relationship, He lays that foundation.  When we stand on that foundation, we are not alone.  We are powerful.  We are strong.  We are capable.  We are enough.