Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Thanksgiving For The Year of 2014

9:39am, November 26, 2014...

My phone rings.  Bekah is calling me from the hospital where my dad is having a scope done.  A  little over a month ago, he was diagnosed with COPD.  A few weeks ago, he was diagnosed with hemorrhaging bronchitis.  After antibiotics, a CAT scan was done to check the condition.  A scope and biopsy were ordered ASAP.  Her voice quivered when I answered.  The words that would come out of her mouth hit me like a ton of bricks.  Cancer.  Everything else from that word on in the conversation is foggy.  As soon as I got off the phone, I started screaming.  My heart shattered into a million pieces.  "Enough, God.  Just enough!  I've had enough.  I'm leaning on You as much as I possibly can.  What more do you want from me??"  I was hurting, like I have been hurting all year.  I was scared, like I have been all year.  And I just needed to collapse, to cry, to grieve, to process.  I sat down on my dining room bench and just stared at the wall until my alarm went off reminding me of my son's Thanksgiving lunch at school.  I managed to get to my feet, get dressed.  I attempted makeup but it kept running off, so scratch that.  I drove and ugly cried the entire way to my son's school.  Lunch there was a fog, too.  I just remember how incredible it felt to put my arms around him, to feel his touch was comfort.  He fell asleep shortly after we left, so I went through the drive through at Starbucks.  The barista handed me my drink and wished me a happy and blessed holiday... *cue ugly cry face again and confused barista*.  I drove around trying to gather myself and let my son sleep.  I get home, and I've been a zombie up until a few hours ago.  Before I discuss that... let me give a bit of background on this year...

Earlier this year, I went through a very painful divorce.  Moved back to Texas.  Ash began speech therapy.  I enrolled in school.

God began to work on me.  Bringing out baggage, issues, character flaws I needed to work on, and humbled me to my knees.  I started working through past abuse and did a lot of self evaluation.  Who was I?  What do I want out of life?  How am I going to get it?  What kind of woman do I want to be? What kind of mother do I want to be?  What does God want out of me?  What is my purpose?

He was faithful to answer all of these questions over the next few months.  Most were not easy to hear, but it's through pain and change all things are born.  So I hung on to Him with everything I had, I embraced the cold, hard truth about myself, and I embraced the pain as a period of growth.  Now that's not to say I didn't have weak moments.  My best friend will tell you that my loneliness and over-analyzation of everything got the best of me quite often (sorry Kevin).  But as time went on, I began to see things more clearly.

4 weeks before school, I was working 4 jobs.  I finally quit one job as a waitress to pursue photography while I go to school.  God gave me Proverbs 16:3 every morning - "Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and He will establish your plans."  So I did.  Every morning.  And He was faithful to His word, because He blessed me with many opportunities.

2 weeks before school, my back wisdom tooth began to abscess.  I made an appointment.  All 4 need to be removed.  Surgery scheduled for exactly one week before my first day of school. Surgery went well, but the pain meds kept me out of it.  I was not completely functional until the actual first day of school.  But praise Him that He still upheld His promise.

School is a lot.  I mean, A LOT.  While all other schools learn 1 theory in 6 months.  We are learning basically 4 different theories in 3 months (because we have 3 months of strictly clinic).  The work is intense, and its a lot of information on top of 3 jobs, on top of Ash, on top of everything that has happened this year so far.

Then today happened.  And I shattered.  I completely fell apart.  And for a minute, I got angry with God.  Never blaming Him for this, but blaming Him for allowing it to happen.  One friend said, "you're strong."  Another friend said, "just keep praying."  None of those things were what I needed to hear.  Then my sweet friend R brought me back to reality.  She said, "So... I may say something you may not agree with, but God allows us to have more than we can handle.  It's not Biblical that He doesn't give us more than we can handle... I think it's a refining process when we go through seasons like this... because we can't handle it, but He can - so we really have no choice but to press into Him even more."  That was the last thing I wanted to hear, even though I knew in my heart this was true.  So after driving, after crying, after spending some time in meditation to gather myself, God brought me back to my favorite passage.  The same passage He has given me throughout my entire life, throughout every struggle, even during the birth of my son.

2 Corinthians 12:1-10... Verse 9 - "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'  Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."

That is what He wants from me.  It's not a matter of doing it once, or twice, it's Him cultivating this never ending thirst and desire for Him and His strength.  And a daily acknowledgement of my weakness.

So this is what I need, sweet friends...
I do not need to hear: "you are strong enough to make it through this."  Because truth is, I am not.  Believe me when I tell you that I, Elizabeth, am not strong enough.  It doesn't matter what all I've been through in my 27 years of life, or what all I've accomplished, or how determined or successful I am, I am not strong enough to handle everything that was put on my plate this year - 2014.
What I need to hear: "God is enough."  "He is strong enough."  "It's okay to cry, to grieve, to feel beaten, because that's when He gives you His strength."

Because when this is all said and done, it has absolutely NOTHING to do with me or my capabilities, and everything to do with Him and His unconditional, never ending love for me and the strength He gives.

Our family also needs your prayers.  We don't know details of anything just yet.  But we need prayer, hugs, love, and your understanding.  We are fighters.  We are Connors.  We fight for each other, we fight for others, we fight for those who are alone, those without a voice, and we fight for our own lives.  We will be strong throughout this, because it's through our tears, our weaknesses, and in the moments when we are hurting so bad we can't stand upright, that God is imparting His strength to us.  That is something to be thankful for this year.

All glory and honor and praise be to Him, who gives grace when not deserving, love when anger is present, and strength when weakness is overpowering our flesh.

2 comments:

Blog N/A said...

Wow, I am in shock at the news of your dad. And you're right, NO ONE could handle what you've been dealt this year. I can only think of 2 things to say. They are each quotes I've heard Steve Harvey say many times. "He brought you to it, He will bring you through it" and "He didn't bring you this far to leave you". I wish I had more profound, spiritually uplifting words of wisdom I could pass on. But these were the only two things that resonated in my head after reading your post. I love you so much!!

Anonymous said...

Be careful not to read into friends advice for you as well, when someone says you are strong enough to make it through, it might be more about their intent than their content. Maybe your friends just want you to know that they are there for you, they care, and it might be they just don't know how to say it correctly.