A letter to my beautiful son.

My sweet boy,

If I could protect you from all the pain and unfairness in this world, I would in a heartbeat. If I could absorb every time you'll feel rejection, loneliness, suffering, and hurt, I would a million times. Life is unpredictable, it can be painfully unfair.

My dreams and hopes for you and our future were way different than this less than ideal situation we're in right now. I had dreams of spending days exploring with you, teaching you, watching you learn and grow. Fishing off the dock, enjoying the sunset, exploring nature, watching birds, finding shapes in clouds. Things change, bubba. Life happens. Part of living life is learning to adapt to these changes, whether they are easy or difficult. I know it's not easy. I see how difficult this has been on you. I'm sorry.

I want you to know how much I love you. That even on days when I don't see you, you never leave the front of my mind. I think about you 24/7. I long to hold you every second of every day. I am trying my best to build a life for us so that we don't have to struggle. Working full time and going to school full time was much more difficult than I expected it to be. I never anticipated being a single mom. I never imagined it would be this hard. Just know that I am doing this for you, for us. It won't be forever. Just bear with me, my strong warrior. I promise it won't be forever.

I want you to see the world, to invest in helping others, because that's where beauty and joy is. These things are not found in material items, it's found all around us and in the hearts of others you meet. Never stop searching for that in every situation in life.

Just because your daddy and I are no longer married doesn't mean we love you any less. You are my entire world, and the very best part of me. Your daddy will always have a special place in my heart because he gave me you. This past year hasn't been easy for you or me, and I'm so sorry. We live in a broken world, with broken people. What happened between your dad and I is not your fault, for any reason. Things happen, people change. Some times, you have to make decisions that are painfully difficult. But it's through pain that growth happens. Remember that.

My prayer for you is that you grow up with a solid foundation and confidence in who you are. That every person you meet, you treat with respect. That you defend those without a voice. You fight for those who can't fight for themselves. And you love everyone. There is a God who loves you with a love that can't be measured. I pray you find that love, you feel that hunger, and you chase after Him. That in every relationship, you love the other person as God would want you to love them – unconditionally.

I am so proud of you. You have come so far. Every time you throw your arms around me, I feel the little baby who's favorite place was my arms. I never wanted you to feel any pain, and I never wanted you to feel pain from my decisions. But God allows pain so that something more beautiful than before can be born. His plans for us are not my plans, and His dreams for us are bigger than my dreams. Hang in there, my beautiful boy. Our time of rest is coming soon. Mommy is working hard to get there. I love you with a love so fierce.

- Mommy

Treatment

I am going to try to keep this short and sweet.  My dad was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer.  The stages of small cell are different than most, and I'm still not 100% clear on them enough to try and explain them.  But one thing I do know is that God holds all things in the palm of His hands, and we have no reason to fear life or death.

Long story short, the oncologists are optimistic they can get rid of it as long as the cancer responds to treatment.  There's no clinical trials or anything else done on this type of cancer, which makes options somewhat limited for treatment.

Dad will have a port placed today, chemo will start tomorrow.  We will know in 2 months whether the cancer will respond to the chemo.  Radiation is still up in the air, we are waiting to hear results of a scan to see if they can perform radiation safely.

Please continue to keep my dad and our family in your prayers.  It's never easy facing such a challenge, and I am so thankful for everyone who has called and made such incredible efforts to be there for each of us.  Life might be rough, but God gave us community for a reason, and we are blessed without question by the community He has surrounded us with.

Thanksgiving For The Year of 2014

9:39am, November 26, 2014...

My phone rings.  Bekah is calling me from the hospital where my dad is having a scope done.  A  little over a month ago, he was diagnosed with COPD.  A few weeks ago, he was diagnosed with hemorrhaging bronchitis.  After antibiotics, a CAT scan was done to check the condition.  A scope and biopsy were ordered ASAP.  Her voice quivered when I answered.  The words that would come out of her mouth hit me like a ton of bricks.  Cancer.  Everything else from that word on in the conversation is foggy.  As soon as I got off the phone, I started screaming.  My heart shattered into a million pieces.  "Enough, God.  Just enough!  I've had enough.  I'm leaning on You as much as I possibly can.  What more do you want from me??"  I was hurting, like I have been hurting all year.  I was scared, like I have been all year.  And I just needed to collapse, to cry, to grieve, to process.  I sat down on my dining room bench and just stared at the wall until my alarm went off reminding me of my son's Thanksgiving lunch at school.  I managed to get to my feet, get dressed.  I attempted makeup but it kept running off, so scratch that.  I drove and ugly cried the entire way to my son's school.  Lunch there was a fog, too.  I just remember how incredible it felt to put my arms around him, to feel his touch was comfort.  He fell asleep shortly after we left, so I went through the drive through at Starbucks.  The barista handed me my drink and wished me a happy and blessed holiday... *cue ugly cry face again and confused barista*.  I drove around trying to gather myself and let my son sleep.  I get home, and I've been a zombie up until a few hours ago.  Before I discuss that... let me give a bit of background on this year...

Earlier this year, I went through a very painful divorce.  Moved back to Texas.  Ash began speech therapy.  I enrolled in school.

God began to work on me.  Bringing out baggage, issues, character flaws I needed to work on, and humbled me to my knees.  I started working through past abuse and did a lot of self evaluation.  Who was I?  What do I want out of life?  How am I going to get it?  What kind of woman do I want to be? What kind of mother do I want to be?  What does God want out of me?  What is my purpose?

He was faithful to answer all of these questions over the next few months.  Most were not easy to hear, but it's through pain and change all things are born.  So I hung on to Him with everything I had, I embraced the cold, hard truth about myself, and I embraced the pain as a period of growth.  Now that's not to say I didn't have weak moments.  My best friend will tell you that my loneliness and over-analyzation of everything got the best of me quite often (sorry Kevin).  But as time went on, I began to see things more clearly.

4 weeks before school, I was working 4 jobs.  I finally quit one job as a waitress to pursue photography while I go to school.  God gave me Proverbs 16:3 every morning - "Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and He will establish your plans."  So I did.  Every morning.  And He was faithful to His word, because He blessed me with many opportunities.

2 weeks before school, my back wisdom tooth began to abscess.  I made an appointment.  All 4 need to be removed.  Surgery scheduled for exactly one week before my first day of school. Surgery went well, but the pain meds kept me out of it.  I was not completely functional until the actual first day of school.  But praise Him that He still upheld His promise.

School is a lot.  I mean, A LOT.  While all other schools learn 1 theory in 6 months.  We are learning basically 4 different theories in 3 months (because we have 3 months of strictly clinic).  The work is intense, and its a lot of information on top of 3 jobs, on top of Ash, on top of everything that has happened this year so far.

Then today happened.  And I shattered.  I completely fell apart.  And for a minute, I got angry with God.  Never blaming Him for this, but blaming Him for allowing it to happen.  One friend said, "you're strong."  Another friend said, "just keep praying."  None of those things were what I needed to hear.  Then my sweet friend R brought me back to reality.  She said, "So... I may say something you may not agree with, but God allows us to have more than we can handle.  It's not Biblical that He doesn't give us more than we can handle... I think it's a refining process when we go through seasons like this... because we can't handle it, but He can - so we really have no choice but to press into Him even more."  That was the last thing I wanted to hear, even though I knew in my heart this was true.  So after driving, after crying, after spending some time in meditation to gather myself, God brought me back to my favorite passage.  The same passage He has given me throughout my entire life, throughout every struggle, even during the birth of my son.

2 Corinthians 12:1-10... Verse 9 - "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'  Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."

That is what He wants from me.  It's not a matter of doing it once, or twice, it's Him cultivating this never ending thirst and desire for Him and His strength.  And a daily acknowledgement of my weakness.

So this is what I need, sweet friends...
I do not need to hear: "you are strong enough to make it through this."  Because truth is, I am not.  Believe me when I tell you that I, Elizabeth, am not strong enough.  It doesn't matter what all I've been through in my 27 years of life, or what all I've accomplished, or how determined or successful I am, I am not strong enough to handle everything that was put on my plate this year - 2014.
What I need to hear: "God is enough."  "He is strong enough."  "It's okay to cry, to grieve, to feel beaten, because that's when He gives you His strength."

Because when this is all said and done, it has absolutely NOTHING to do with me or my capabilities, and everything to do with Him and His unconditional, never ending love for me and the strength He gives.

Our family also needs your prayers.  We don't know details of anything just yet.  But we need prayer, hugs, love, and your understanding.  We are fighters.  We are Connors.  We fight for each other, we fight for others, we fight for those who are alone, those without a voice, and we fight for our own lives.  We will be strong throughout this, because it's through our tears, our weaknesses, and in the moments when we are hurting so bad we can't stand upright, that God is imparting His strength to us.  That is something to be thankful for this year.

All glory and honor and praise be to Him, who gives grace when not deserving, love when anger is present, and strength when weakness is overpowering our flesh.