tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11096701053930809442024-03-13T11:55:16.861-05:00Changing life's sour things into sweet things.Crunchyfab Mommahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13666670135061199381noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1109670105393080944.post-71674378791806522002016-07-26T09:28:00.000-05:002016-07-26T09:28:18.397-05:00My Life... Currently.I never thought I would be sitting down to write a post like this. I never thought it would ever get this far. The absolute worst part about social media is the image we portray. The happy, joyful, look at this yummy food, look at my makeup, look how awesome my family/husband/wife/kids are, look at all the best parts of my life. Facebook, and social media, is used solely for the crescendos in life. The times when things are up. When things are easy, joyful, and we feel satisfied. But there's so much more to us, to you, to me, than what we show on social media. This isn't a pity party/poor me blog post, it's a final effort to be open, honest, and vulnerable with my friends and fans.<br />
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I have been so ashamed to admit how much I was falling apart inside until I can no longer fake it. Until the depression is too deep or strong to deny. My life fell apart in 2014 beginning with my marriage all the way to the health of my dad, who was my biggest rock. From there, it was one blow after another after another. The deaths of 15 people. The struggle to make ends meet in two industries (esthetics and photography) that is not easy or for the faint of heart. The time away from my son, who is my entire world, hurts more than I could put into words. The baggage God brought out for me to deal with in the middle of my residency. The unexpected expenses and financial burdens. All of it is to the point that it's too much. I am to the point that I am struggling to reach out and love those who have reached out to me. I am struggling to connect with others in my life. I am just struggling.<br />
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I know what God says and how He views me. I know what His plan is for me. I'm drawing closer to Him than I ever have in my entire life, and will continue to. I don't need a sermon and I don't want pity. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. This is life. Every single one of us has our ebbs and flows, our highest points and our lowest. This is just one of my lowest right now, and this blog post is to apologize to those I have hurt in my 2 year long low point. Those who feel like I don't care about them anymore, who feel ignored, neglected. For friendships that have fallen to the way side. I apologize for my silence in my business. For my inconsistency in all of it. I thought my grief, loss, pain, was something I could shove to the side and ignore, and continue to work hard. I was wrong. I have slowly been unable to shove it aside any longer. And here's the thing I struggle with the most to say... I deserve time to be able to deal with these things that hurt. I should be able to deal with them without grief from others. So in an effort to be completely transparent, I am going to take some time for me to deal with this grief. I apologize now, for the past hurt my silence has caused and for any pain the silence might cause in the future.<br />
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I need time to mourn. I need time to cry. I need time to confront the pain I feel in my heart over the loss of loved ones and the struggle I've been in. I need time to dig it all out, clean it up, and put it all back together again. I don't have a clue how long this will take. The weight I feel right now can't be described in any word in any language. It's just going to take time.<br />
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My heart, the deepest desire of my heart, is to love others with everything I have. To be in a place where I can't seem to give much love because of my pain feels like total failure. And I am sorry. I need to heal. Depression is a dark pit, and right now, this is the pit Jesus needs to meet me in. So fellow Christians, please, if you're going to tell me to get over it or snap out of it, if you're going to tell me I'm not walking in the truth that He lays out for me, if you're going to judge any of it, save your words and your breath. I just ask for understanding, patience, and grace.<br />
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<i>Romans 12:9-16 - Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope. patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with the Lord's people who are in need. Practice hospitality. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another.</i><br />
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<i>Ecclesiastes 3:1-11 - There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tea down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stories and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace. What do workers gain from their toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. He has made everything beautiful in it's time.</i><br />
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<br />Crunchyfab Mommahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13666670135061199381noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1109670105393080944.post-48211446480425417992015-09-21T14:40:00.001-05:002015-09-21T14:43:09.207-05:00At once the Spirit sent Him out into the wilderness... Mark 1:12My life has often felt like a desert. A whole lot of wandering, fighting, searching long and hard for water, shelter, rest. You wander too long, and you start to feel crazy. Things become overwhelming, you have hopes for things that aren't really there. We've all seen movies where dehydration creates delusion, and how true that is for real life. Simply with the lack of nourishing rest in our busy every day lives often lead us down paths of disappointment and heartache. June 14th, I experienced the love of God like I had never known before. I became apparently aware of my brokenness, and my deep need for Him. I began seeking Him daily, and it was then He continued to bring me to the New Testament where Jesus was called into the desert to fast and pray in preparation for the calling on Him that was ahead. Sure enough, God placed a calling of ministry on my life. It was something I didn't see coming, especially living in this cloud of shame. Divorced, single mom, struggling to make ends meet, nearing 30 years old with no college whatsoever. I knew God was calling me out into a desert so He could meet with me. What I didn't realize was that this desert would be literal.<br />
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So here I am, sharing with a friend my need to experience God in a radical way, who recommended Zion. Utah? Awesome. Never been. Lots to see. I can do that. Booked my ticket for 3 days. Over the course of a month, I would extend the territory I was going to see to all over southern Utah, and extend my stay to 7 days. I boarded that plane on September 11th with not a clue what God was going to do in my life, but I knew two things He wanted to work on. My fear of being alone, and my need for control.</div>
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He did just that, and so much more. He brought so much more to the surface for me to tackle. As I confronted, fought, and conquered these issues, He started replacing the strongholds these agreements had in my life with peace, joy, confidence, strength, and knowledge. He laid this incredible foundation on who He says I am and who He has called me to be, not who the world sees and who I've known myself to be. I could write an entire book about the different things God showed me in Utah, and maybe I will, but there's one specific thing I wanted to share today.</div>
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The fear of being alone. So many friends and family members were terrified when they heard I was going to explore Utah alone. That fear increased when the horrid news came in on Monday of 7 hikers missing in a canyon at Zion where I had just been. I am overwhelmed at the amount of people reaching out to make sure I was okay. The families of those who lost loved ones in Keyhole Canyon are in my prayers, as it is an awful tragedy. It was a humbling reminder of how fleeting life is, and how we are not invincible to the forces of nature. A reminder of why we, as humans, crave companionship. Men crave their ezer kenegdo (Genesis 2:18), and women crave their companion in an adventure. While confronting my brokenness, I knew I needed God to be my ezer kenegdo and my companion in this adventure. I needed to be somewhere completely dependent and in harmony with Him. I needed a spiritual re-awakening. A revival in my heart for the role God desires to have in my life. Boarding that plane I asked God to meet me, to radically change me, and He far exceeded my expectations. I woke up on Sunday in Zion surrounded in His total peace. Not once the entire trip did I ever feel alone, did I ever feel like there was something missing. He filled every need, plus some. Sure, there were a few people I missed. Desperately. But never once was I alone.</div>
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Sunday, I was going to hike Angel's Landing. I had my dad's ashes to scatter at the top. I knew it was going to be a grueling hike, but I didn't have a clue just how much it would take. God is funny, because He brings people into our lives at the moment when we need them. I had met a gentleman the evening before while shooting the sunset that I had the privilege of teaching astrophotography to that same night. He texted me Sunday morning as I was arriving to the shuttle to head to Angel's Landing wanting to join me on my hiking excursion. So without knowing each other aside from the brief conversations we had the night before, we set out to hike what would be a very close second to the most monumental day of my life. With my huge pack on my back, all of my camera gear, lots of water, and sore legs from the day before, we hiked 1400 feet up the side of a mountain, along an extremely narrow ledge the last 0.5 miles, to the very top of Angel's Landing. I can say, without question, that hiking this was more challenging than natural childbirth. Terrified at moments, nauseous and dizzy at times, it took a stranger to see in me what I doubted all along, and to push me past what I thought I was capable of. God gave me incredible strength to face my fear of heights, of death, of loneliness, of strangers, and because of Him I made it to the top. Only at the top, I was faced with this deep ache I've had in my soul, which is caused by holding on to things when God is saying "let go and let Me." On top of Angel's Landing, after conquering what I thought I couldn't do, I let go of some of my dad's ashes. That might have been harder than the hike/climb to the top. Instant peace overcame my soul when I saw his ashes fall and scatter to the side of the ledge I was sitting on while my feet dangled 1400 feet above ground. Almost instantly, directly in front of my dad and I, a little cell with a pretty strong updraft started forming. A small rain shaft, some lightning, I sat there on the ledge in awe watching this. I had no doubt it was a sweet reminder that God has me in His arms pressed against His heart, and that He has my dad.</div>
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Often times in life, we're faced with things we don't want to face. Things that are taunting, scary, steep, challenging, above our skill level. And most of the time, we feel like we're facing them alone. Which is exactly where God wants us. It's taken me a long time to see that at moments when we're faced with such difficult tasks, He wants us completely dependent on Him. To take that first step with a "Yes, I will be dependent on You. You are everything I need. I trust you, Lord. Completely." And that at the exact moments He knows we need that extra push in these mountains of life, He sends others into our lives to walk along side us. Some for moments, others for a lifetime.</div>
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I came down off that mountain a completely changed woman. He answered the number one question I have struggled with my entire life. I know how strong I am, because I know the foundation for which He has laid for me. The foundation that I am enough because He is enough. I am enough for whatever He brings me to because He is enough to bring me through it. I am enough for whatever mountain He calls me to climb because He has enough strength for me to climb it. I am enough for whoever He brings into my life because He is enough for me. He is all I need. All I'll ever need in this life. And if He, the King of Kings, can declare over me that I am called by Him for a role in this grand adventure of life, then who am I to question the ability He has given me?</div>
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My father and my mother cannot validate who I am as a woman. My sister, and the close family I hold dear cannot validate me as a woman, either. The amount of followers on Instagram, friends on Facebook, the amount of likes or comments this blog post will get, doesn't validate me as a woman. The amount of fans that have my prints hanging in their homes doesn't validate who I am as a woman. The amount of men pursuing me, or the man I'm dating, or the man I marry, cannot validate who I am as a woman. Knowing the foundation and promise for which God calls me to stand firm and secure on is what validates me. Knowing that He is enough for me, makes me enough for everything in this life.</div>
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When you understand the foundation we're given to stand on, loneliness doesn't exist. We exist to have an intimate relationship with the Lord. When we press into Him for that intimate relationship, He lays that foundation. When we stand on that foundation, we are not alone. We are powerful. We are strong. We are capable. We are enough.</div>
Crunchyfab Mommahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13666670135061199381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1109670105393080944.post-72730337074067584882015-08-10T18:25:00.006-05:002015-08-10T18:58:10.806-05:00A Tinder Social ExperimentAnyone divorced can tell you... entering the dating world after a divorce is the most unnatural, awkward, scary, and downright confusing thing following such a life changing event. I was with my ex for 6.5 years. I didn't date and didn't kiss anyone but him, for 6.5 years. From the time I met him (working in a bar), to when my divorce was finalized, things had radically changed. Gone were the simple days of posting my poetry on Xanga, talking on the phone with your crush, meeting someone at some random place or social gathering. It was now Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, Tinder, Plenty Of Fish, OkCupid, Match, so much social overload.<br />
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My first night going out with my brother after the divorce, I had a guy come up and ask what my username was on Plenty Of Fish. I told him I didn't have one, to which he looked at me funny and walked away. I went back to ask my brother what Plenty Of Fish was, and he opened my eyes to the current world of dating and apps. Oh, the many apps. About an hour later, a 2nd guy came up to ask me the same question, to which I replied, "I'm not on Plenty Of Fish, but I'm standing right here in front of you. Ask me whatever you want to know." He looked at me, shocked, and didn't have a word to say. What the heck was going on? Why did someone need to check you out on an app before having a conversation with you to get to know you?</div>
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The first guy I dated following my divorce was an ex. I dated this guy a year before I met my ex-husband. We reconnected and picked up where we left off, which ended. A few dates here and there, and then in January I met a guy while out that I dated for a while. We were both in different places in life with different dreams so I ended it. Same story with the next guy I hit it off with. Absolutely incredible man, just wanted different things. Tried things again with the first ex after my divorce, and that was a mess. I made a commitment to be single, to enjoy life, and travel with my boy. I just wanted to knock out life with the support of my son, my family, and my friends.</div>
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Being single, especially a single woman, has so much social stigma. It drives me mad. Why can't a woman be happy and single? Why can't a woman travel on her own? Why can't a woman protect herself? Why does a woman need a man to keep her warm at night? Tip: Heating pads & heated blankets work just fine, and you can turn them off when you're not in the mood for them... hahaha, pun intended. I can easily get off on a rabbit trail about why we desire companionship, but that's another blog post for another day. The point is, I had so many friends (you know who you are) that continued to give me a hard time about not dating. "You need to date, Liz. Casually. Just meet people. Go have fun. See what's out there. Figure out what you want." So in an effort to shut those friends up (love y'all), I saw a social experiment at my finger tips...</div>
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Google Play, Search > Tinder, Install, Open.</div>
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Tinder is a simple app - 6 pictures, 500 words to spill your "I like long walks on the beach, candle lit dinners, pink roses, my friends say I'm amazing, and I never nag" b.s. resume. You can also link your Instagram to it. Then the first picture shows up. A profile, of however many pictures they chose to post, whatever they chose to write about themselves. Swipe left if you don't like them, swipe right if you do. If/when they swipe right on your profile, you get a "Match" notification, where you can choose to message them. There's only one problem with this... it's a human buffet.</div>
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In the two times I've ever gone through men and swiped, there's been several matches. I've met some serious douches on there (I mean... I won't even go there), but I've also been pleasantly surprised by meeting some pretty awesome dudes. A few photographers, Christians, those new to the area wanting to meet people, etc. But there is something so wrong with this app. And with other apps like it.</div>
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Fundamentally, people desire companionship and to be happy. If you ask most people what their greatest fear is (I try to ask everyone this at some point), it's almost always a resounding "ending up alone" or "loosing someone and being alone". This drives us to find a husband/wife, someone to share moments with. To dance this beautiful ballad of life with, with all the twists and turns, the fast and the slow, the dips, spins, lifts, the closeness, the intimacy. But the thrill of landing a hundred matches in a day, of seeing a gorgeous man who also swiped right, it releases dopamine which is a neurotransmitter that plays a huge role in reward-motivated behavior. It also plays a roll in controlling the release of other hormones (which explains the extreme emotional highs and lows behind modern day social dating). Ironic that addictive drugs also triggers your body to release dopamine? It's all builds together to create a psychological pattern of behavior.</div>
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So then what happens when you hit it off with someone? Or when you hit it off with several? How do you choose when you have 20 conversations going at once? The grass is always greener, swipe more, see what else is out there. "Oh, this guy looks incredible, I'd like to get to know him." Swipe right. Match. Great conversation. "What else is out there?" Swipe, swipe, swipe... "Oh, he's even more gorgeous! Impressive resume. CUTE PUPPY!" Swipe right. Match. Great conversation. When does it end? Where do we stop? How can you possibly find your "Match" while looking at a buffet of thousands of people having conversations with several of them while they do the <b><i>exact same thing?</i></b></div>
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Here's what I learned from my first failed marriage. You will never find a perfect relationship. Or a perfect partner. They don't exist. There will be so many joys, and believe me that having that daily intimacy and partnership is worth <i>every bit</i> of sweat and tears you put into it. But there are many downs. There are times when you question your sanity when you agreed to marry this human laying beside you snoring loudly. There will be times that you miss your single days, days where you could be selfish and not have to think of anyone else. And here in lies the danger...</div>
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In a marriage, you <b>have</b> to be satisfied with the person you chose. You don't always <i>feel</i> satisfied, but you cannot go out seeking satisfaction from anywhere but in your marriage. If we, as young adults and singles, create these psychological patterns of seeking out a constant dopamine rush, then how does that effect our marriage when it hits hard times? When instead of a dopamine rush, it's an adrenaline rush. How do we get that dopamine rush? It's the same concept as porn. It effects the brain the same way.</div>
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<b>Proverbs 5:15-19</b> - <i>Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well. Should your springs overflow in the streets, your streams of water in the public squares? Let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers. May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A love doe, a graceful deer - may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love.</i></div>
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Maybe I'm just old school. I prefer to meet people organically. Meet for coffee, drinks, watch the sunset. I believe a man should date/court/pursue a woman exclusively if he is genuinely interested in her, or clearly friend zone her if he's not. But I believe intentions from both sides should be known. And if you're swiping left, left, right, left, right... then when do you decide that what you have is enough?</div>
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Those who know me know my heart. Having tried things my own way originally, it's not something I want to do the second time around. <i> If</i> that's what God wants for me. To the cool dudes I have met on Tinder, sorry if you feel used for a social experiment. But you have my information to stay in touch because I still think you're pretty awesome. :)</div>
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In conclusion about my <u>Tinder Experiment</u>:<br />
Did I meet my future husband? I don't know.<br />
Did I meet my next hookup? Nope, that's not how I roll.<br />
Did I meet some men I could date and give things a shot with? Absolutely.<br />
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However, <b>Tinder</b>, <i>the human buffet app</i>, appears to do nothing but feed the parts of our soul that corrupt a good thing when we have it.<br />
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Google Play, Search > Tinder, Uninstall.</div>
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Crunchyfab Mommahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13666670135061199381noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1109670105393080944.post-670829057479693252015-07-06T17:01:00.001-05:002015-07-06T17:40:16.866-05:00A Letter To My Future Husband From A Divorced Mom<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death. :: Song of Solomon 8:6</span><br />
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Dear future husband,</span><br />
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Last night, I felt the need to drive. So I drove out to the middle of no where. Alone, with the sound of crickets and the summer breeze blowing through the grass. All the many stars and the milky way dancing overhead. It was here, in this raw moment of nature's beauty that my heart yearned for you. And it was here I prayed for you.</span><br />
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I often think of you, wondering if we've met or have yet to meet. I long for the life we're going to build. I long for that partnership to face everything life throws at us; the good, the bad, and everything in between. I long for "us". For holidays, vacations, for weekends, weekdays, for all of our successes and failures. For the nights we pass out in each other arms because we're both exhausted, to the nights we stay up talking and laughing like best friends.</span><br />
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Life dealt me a set of cards I was never prepared to play with. Divorced with a beautiful son has been an extremely humbling experience. Dating has lead to it's fair share of pain. I've heard things about my son and I being too much to handle, too much responsibility. Even learning how to date again after being married for so long has been difficult. The responsibility to find someone to marry is also weighted by the responsibility to find a good, solid role model for my son. God has pulled some major insecurities out and He's still working on it. He's done a great job of keeping me on my knees and dependent on Him to fulfill my needs. It's been painful, but it's taken a long time to get to this place where I can appreciate my brokenness because it's in these moments that I feel free, beautiful, and strong because of the work He's doing in me. He's getting me ready for you. He's breaking these bonds, cleaning out baggage, and preparing my heart to love and serve you, unconditionally and joyfully, for the rest of my life.</span><br />
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As I prayed for you, I heard God speak. Clearly, and in a gentle voice, "He's not ready for you just yet. Just a little while longer." Can I admit that it hurts to hear? I am trying so hard to be patient, but I just want you. The desire to get married after a divorce is different than it was when I was single. It's much more painful. But I have peace knowing He's working in me, and He's working in you. All of that is okay, because His timing is perfect. So I wanted to make you a promise. I promise I am going to make every effort to guard my heart for you. To work hard at repairing the areas in my heart that are broken and to build my confidence and trust in Him. So that when we say "I do," I have no expectations of the future but to stand on the promise to love you, completely and fully, until death.</span><br />
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I am anxiously awaiting you. To witness your life. To encourage you and support you. To have your back in the good times and the bad. To make every effort to find joy in the mundane, and strength in the times of struggle. To love you, respect you, and esteem you above everyone else.</span><br />
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I am praying for you. That God strengthens you in to the man He has called you to be. That He gives you the space in your heart to love my son as your own, and to be the model of masculinity my son, and the world so desperately need. I'm praying He prepares and guards your heart for marriage to me.</span><br />
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Until we look into each other's eyes and know this is it, I'm already in love with you. And will be, always.</span><br />
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Elizabeth</span>Crunchyfab Mommahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13666670135061199381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1109670105393080944.post-25446889046911509442015-01-09T18:26:00.003-06:002015-01-09T18:31:16.690-06:00A letter to my beautiful son.<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My sweet boy,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If I could protect you from
all the pain and unfairness in this world, I would in a heartbeat.
If I could absorb every time you'll feel rejection, loneliness,
suffering, and hurt, I would a million times. Life is unpredictable,
it can be painfully unfair.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My dreams and hopes for you and our
future were way different than this less than ideal situation we're
in right now. I had dreams of spending days exploring with you,
teaching you, watching you learn and grow. Fishing off the dock,
enjoying the sunset, exploring nature, watching birds, finding shapes
in clouds. Things change, bubba. Life happens. Part of living life
is learning to adapt to these changes, whether they are easy or
difficult. I know it's not easy. I see how difficult this has been
on you. I'm sorry.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I want you to know how much I love you. That
even on days when I don't see you, you never leave the front of my
mind. I think about you 24/7. I long to hold you every second of
every day. I am trying my best to build a life for us so that we
don't have to struggle. Working full time and going to school full
time was much more difficult than I expected it to be. I never
anticipated being a single mom. I never imagined it would be this
hard. Just know that I am doing this for you, for us. It won't be
forever. Just bear with me, my strong warrior. I promise it won't
be forever.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I want you to see the world, to
invest in helping others, because that's where beauty and joy is.
These things are not found in material items, it's found all around
us and in the hearts of others you meet. Never stop searching for
that in every situation in life.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Just because your daddy and I
are no longer married doesn't mean we love you any less. You are my
entire world, and the very best part of me. Your daddy will always
have a special place in my heart because he gave me you. This past
year hasn't been easy for you or me, and I'm so sorry. We live in a
broken world, with broken people. What happened between your dad and
I is not your fault, for any reason. Things happen, people change.
Some times, you have to make decisions that are painfully difficult.
But it's through pain that growth happens. Remember that.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My
prayer for you is that you grow up with a solid foundation and
confidence in who you are. That every person you meet, you treat
with respect. That you defend those without a voice. You fight for
those who can't fight for themselves. And you love everyone. There
is a God who loves you with a love that can't be measured. I pray
you find that love, you feel that hunger, and you chase after Him.
That in every relationship, you love the other person as God would
want you to love them – unconditionally.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am so proud of you.
You have come so far. Every time you throw your arms around me, I
feel the little baby who's favorite place was my arms. I never
wanted you to feel any pain, and I never wanted you to feel pain from
my decisions. But God allows pain so that something
more beautiful than before can be born. His plans for us are not my
plans, and His dreams for us are bigger than my dreams. Hang in
there, my beautiful boy. Our time of rest is coming soon. Mommy is
working hard to get there. I love you with a love so fierce.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">- Mommy</span></div>
Crunchyfab Mommahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13666670135061199381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1109670105393080944.post-63587840379158622412014-12-08T08:33:00.001-06:002014-12-08T08:33:24.555-06:00TreatmentI am going to try to keep this short and sweet. My dad was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer. The stages of small cell are different than most, and I'm still not 100% clear on them enough to try and explain them. But one thing I do know is that God holds all things in the palm of His hands, and we have no reason to fear life or death.<br />
<br />
Long story short, the oncologists are optimistic they can get rid of it as long as the cancer responds to treatment. There's no clinical trials or anything else done on this type of cancer, which makes options somewhat limited for treatment.<br />
<br />
Dad will have a port placed today, chemo will start tomorrow. We will know in 2 months whether the cancer will respond to the chemo. Radiation is still up in the air, we are waiting to hear results of a scan to see if they can perform radiation safely.<br />
<br />
Please continue to keep my dad and our family in your prayers. It's never easy facing such a challenge, and I am so thankful for everyone who has called and made such incredible efforts to be there for each of us. Life might be rough, but God gave us community for a reason, and we are blessed without question by the community He has surrounded us with.Crunchyfab Mommahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13666670135061199381noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1109670105393080944.post-47229618327779360822014-11-26T22:44:00.003-06:002014-11-26T22:55:28.009-06:00Thanksgiving For The Year of 20149:39am, November 26, 2014...<br />
<br />
My phone rings. Bekah is calling me from the hospital where my dad is having a scope done. A little over a month ago, he was diagnosed with COPD. A few weeks ago, he was diagnosed with hemorrhaging bronchitis. After antibiotics, a CAT scan was done to check the condition. A scope and biopsy were ordered ASAP. Her voice quivered when I answered. The words that would come out of her mouth hit me like a ton of bricks. Cancer. Everything else from that word on in the conversation is foggy. As soon as I got off the phone, I started screaming. My heart shattered into a million pieces. "Enough, God. Just enough! I've had enough. I'm leaning on You as much as I possibly can. What more do you want from me??" I was hurting, like I have been hurting all year. I was scared, like I have been all year. And I just needed to collapse, to cry, to grieve, to process. I sat down on my dining room bench and just stared at the wall until my alarm went off reminding me of my son's Thanksgiving lunch at school. I managed to get to my feet, get dressed. I attempted makeup but it kept running off, so scratch that. I drove and ugly cried the entire way to my son's school. Lunch there was a fog, too. I just remember how incredible it felt to put my arms around him, to feel his touch was comfort. He fell asleep shortly after we left, so I went through the drive through at Starbucks. The barista handed me my drink and wished me a happy and blessed holiday... *cue ugly cry face again and confused barista*. I drove around trying to gather myself and let my son sleep. I get home, and I've been a zombie up until a few hours ago. Before I discuss that... let me give a bit of background on this year...<br />
<br />
Earlier this year, I went through a very painful divorce. Moved back to Texas. Ash began speech therapy. I enrolled in school.<br />
<br />
God began to work on me. Bringing out baggage, issues, character flaws I needed to work on, and humbled me to my knees. I started working through past abuse and did a lot of self evaluation. Who was I? What do I want out of life? How am I going to get it? What kind of woman do I want to be? What kind of mother do I want to be? What does God want out of me? What is my purpose?<br />
<br />
He was faithful to answer all of these questions over the next few months. Most were not easy to hear, but it's through pain and change all things are born. So I hung on to Him with everything I had, I embraced the cold, hard truth about myself, and I embraced the pain as a period of growth. Now that's not to say I didn't have weak moments. My best friend will tell you that my loneliness and over-analyzation of everything got the best of me quite often (sorry Kevin). But as time went on, I began to see things more clearly.<br />
<br />
4 weeks before school, I was working 4 jobs. I finally quit one job as a waitress to pursue photography while I go to school. God gave me Proverbs 16:3 every morning - "Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and He will establish your plans." So I did. Every morning. And He was faithful to His word, because He blessed me with many opportunities.<br />
<br />
2 weeks before school, my back wisdom tooth began to abscess. I made an appointment. All 4 need to be removed. Surgery scheduled for exactly one week before my first day of school. Surgery went well, but the pain meds kept me out of it. I was not completely functional until the actual first day of school. But praise Him that He still upheld His promise.<br />
<br />
School is a lot. I mean, A LOT. While all other schools learn 1 theory in 6 months. We are learning basically 4 different theories in 3 months (because we have 3 months of strictly clinic). The work is intense, and its a lot of information on top of 3 jobs, on top of Ash, on top of everything that has happened this year so far.<br />
<br />
Then today happened. And I shattered. I completely fell apart. And for a minute, I got angry with God. Never blaming Him for this, but blaming Him for allowing it to happen. One friend said, "you're strong." Another friend said, "just keep praying." None of those things were what I needed to hear. Then my sweet friend R brought me back to reality. She said, "So... I may say something you may not agree with, but God allows us to have more than we can handle. It's not Biblical that He doesn't give us more than we can handle... I think it's a refining process when we go through seasons like this... because we can't handle it, but He can - so we really have no choice but to press into Him even more." That was the last thing I wanted to hear, even though I knew in my heart this was true. So after driving, after crying, after spending some time in meditation to gather myself, God brought me back to my favorite passage. The same passage He has given me throughout my entire life, throughout every struggle, even during the birth of my son.<br />
<br />
2 Corinthians 12:1-10... Verse 9 - "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."<br />
<br />
That is what He wants from me. It's not a matter of doing it once, or twice, it's Him cultivating this never ending thirst and desire for Him and His strength. And a daily acknowledgement of my weakness.<br />
<br />
So this is what I need, sweet friends...<br />
I do not need to hear: "you are strong enough to make it through this." Because truth is, I am not. Believe me when I tell you that I, Elizabeth, am not strong enough. It doesn't matter what all I've been through in my 27 years of life, or what all I've accomplished, or how determined or successful I am, I am not strong enough to handle everything that was put on my plate this year - 2014.<br />
What I need to hear: "God is enough." "He is strong enough." "It's okay to cry, to grieve, to feel beaten, because that's when He gives you His strength."<br />
<br />
Because when this is all said and done, it has absolutely NOTHING to do with me or my capabilities, and everything to do with Him and His unconditional, never ending love for me and the strength He gives.<br />
<br />
Our family also needs your prayers. We don't know details of anything just yet. But we need prayer, hugs, love, and your understanding. We are fighters. We are Connors. We fight for each other, we fight for others, we fight for those who are alone, those without a voice, and we fight for our own lives. We will be strong throughout this, because it's through our tears, our weaknesses, and in the moments when we are hurting so bad we can't stand upright, that God is imparting His strength to us. That is something to be thankful for this year.<br />
<br />
All glory and honor and praise be to Him, who gives grace when not deserving, love when anger is present, and strength when weakness is overpowering our flesh.Crunchyfab Mommahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13666670135061199381noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1109670105393080944.post-89103888756668631402011-12-27T20:38:00.001-06:002011-12-27T20:43:32.399-06:00Ashton's birth story! (Warning: It's long)<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">As I sit down to write the birth story of my son Ashton, I am constantly blown away that God could have blessed me with something so perfect.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The love a mother has for her child cannot be compared to anything else in this world.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Every day, I love him more than I did the day before.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His birth was the most amazing, powerful, spiritual, and magical event in my life. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m not sure anything else will ever come close to it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So without further ado, here is the birth story of Ashton Brody Neil Jamison.<br />
<br />
When my husband and I decided we were going to get off of birth control and let God bless us with a child when He wanted us to have a child, we weren’t expecting to get pregnant so fast.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In fact, I had been told by my OB/GYN that I would probably need fertility treatments to conceive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wasn’t ovulating on my own so she wanted to run some tests to see if Yaz (which I took for 12 months) had damaged my ovaries.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you don’t ovulate, there’s no reason to have a period so when I was late or skipped a period, I didn’t think anything of it until a pregnancy test came back positive.<br />
<br />
April 23<sup>rd</sup> at 5:23am, the first pregnancy test came back positive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Two more positives later, my husband was finally convinced we were having a baby.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Immediately, we started doing research.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We decided we wanted an all-natural birth with a CPM (Certified Professional Midwife) at a birthing center.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We later changed to a home birth after much research and prayer knowing I would be most comfortable at home. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We interviewed a midwife, toured the birthing center, and decided we would hire her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We had a dating sonogram done to see exactly how far along I was on the 29<sup>th</sup>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>During that sonogram, they said the baby was measuring 8 weeks, 3 days.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I asked if that was based on 40 week term pregnancy or if that was the gestational age (Gestational length of pregnancy is 38 weeks – 40 week full term pregnancy is 38 weeks gestation plus 2 weeks prior to conception based on the fact that most women ovulate on day 14 after the 1<sup>st</sup> day of their last period), the sonographer told me that was gestational age which put the due date a little less than 30 weeks away.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I looked on the calendar and determined the conception date to be February 27<sup>th</sup> and based on that, the due date was November 20<sup>th</sup>, 2011.<br />
<br />
The pregnancy had its’ ups and downs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Morning sickness (all day sickness more like it) was pretty rough but went away about half way thru my 2<sup>nd</sup> trimester.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I started taking weekly prenatal yoga classes as well as practicing at home when I could.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t know how I would have made it thru my pregnancy and labor without these classes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not only did it keep me in shape, kept me flexible, taught me endurance, and gave me strength, I also met some wonderful women who were also planning all natural births.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The support and sense of community within the group was amazing and I couldn’t imagine going through pregnancy without it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So many of these women will hold a special place in my heart for the roll they played at such an important time in my life.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I met several amazing and wonderful women through the birth center.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Looking back, I see God ordained everything that happened during my pregnancy for a reason.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After a series of events that transpired, rather late in my pregnancy nonetheless (38 weeks), my husband and I had been praying and seeking God about finding another midwife.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>While it wasn’t anything personal, being able to completely trust your birth team is one of the most important parts in planning a home birth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>God always answers prayer and blessed us with a midwife that was a perfect fit for us and our dream.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She was a God send and I could not imagine giving birth without her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>With everything changed, we felt a peace and were now waiting on Little A to make his or her appearance.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Contractions had been off and on for the last few weeks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had been feeling lots of sharp pain in my cervix.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On November 19<sup>th</sup> at my 40 week prenatal visit, we had a cervical exam done.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was dilated 2cm and 70% effaced.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No doubt that was the result of the sharp pain I had been feeling.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The baby was low and it seemed like things weren’t too far away.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>November 20<sup>th</sup> came and went, Thanksgiving came and went, still no baby. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>41 week mark… nothing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had acupuncture done on the 27<sup>th</sup> that made contractions pick up but slowed down after a few hours.<br />
<br />
December 3rd, a contraction woke me up at about 8:15am.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was enough to take my breath away.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They continued every 15 minutes or so.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I got up and started doing a few last minute things to get ready for my baby’s birth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I called our midwife to let her know, and it worked out great because we already had a home visit planned for that day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I labored on my birthing ball, in the shower, tried to lie down and sleep a little but the contractions kept waking me up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The midwife got there and checked me, the baby and I were both doing great and Little A had dropped to a +2 position (Woohoo!) so she decided to stay.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Greg got the birthing tub set up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The contractions were mostly consistent now, about 4-5 minutes apart and seemed to be getting more intense.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We called our friend, Christina, who we picked as our labor support to come out, the midwife called her assistant and we contacted the photographer (who was a total answer to prayer and blessing from the Lord, something we weren’t planning on having but God provided).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Up and down the stairs I went, squatting at the top, squatting at the bottom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pelvic tilts, hands and knees, I was doing everything to get this baby to come.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Lots of bloody show.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We were getting excited.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We filled the tub up, watched Bill Cosby as Himself, and fellowshipped.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was nice to be able to have such awesome companionship during early labor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A little after midnight, they slowed back down enough for me to be able to sleep.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Greg and I crawled in bed to get some rest.<br />
<br />
December 4<sup>th</sup> - contractions started to pick up again and woke me up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>About as soon as they’d start to fall, I’d fall back asleep again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Time at this point was a blur.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was pretty exhausted after going through 24+ hours of contractions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was ready to have this baby.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>More stairs, more squatting, more birthing ball, more bloody show.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That evening we tried some black and blue cohosh.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That kicked the contractions up quite a bit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They started coming on, one after another, after another.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They were so close together and so intense, I could barely catch my breath.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I remember pulling on the towel hanging on the towel rack in our bathroom and praying I didn’t rip the towel rack out of the wall.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Into the tub I went and ohh did it feel like heaven.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The warmth of the water, the weightlessness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why had I not been in there the last day and half?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not sure how long I stayed in there, but the pain of the contractions seemed to vanish as I moved around in the pool.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Fearful that the water would cause labor to slow down again, I decided to get out and lay in bed for a bit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had some of the best sleep of my life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Contractions woke me up but I was able to fall asleep immediately afterwards.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">At about 8am on Monday, December 5<sup>th</sup>, the contractions completely stopped.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had progressed to 5cm. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Thinking I was 42 weeks, 2 days and had been in labor for 48 hours when it decided to stall, we were talking about our options.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We were preparing for a transfer to Harris Methodist Hospital in Ft. Worth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My husband didn’t feel at peace with going to the hospital just yet, so after talking to the midwife, we decided to have a biophysical profile sonogram done to see what was going on and check everything out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In the process of getting together information before we headed to the sonogram, we found out the lady who did the 1<sup>st</sup> dating sonogram told me incorrectly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>8 weeks, 3 days wasn’t based on gestational age, it was based on 40 weeks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My due date wasn’t November 20<sup>th</sup>, it was December 7<sup>th</sup>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What a relief to know I wasn’t passed my due date.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We had the biophysical sonogram done and everything checked out great.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Little A was healthy and in position, the placenta was a grade 2 with very little calcification, and there was enough fluid.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Little A’s head wasn’t tucked down yet, which explains why in 48 hours of labor, I had only progressed 3cm.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But since the baby and I were healthy and I wasn’t past due, we didn’t have to transfer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Little A just needed to tuck his head in order to apply equal pressure on my cervix during contractions to cause me to finish dilating and effacing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As we were in the process of the sonogram, Little A finally tucked his/her head.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I could feel a definite difference in the pressure on my cervix.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now, we just had to wait. <br />
<br />
I had a few contractions throughout the rest of the day on Monday, but nothing substantial. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Tuesday was pretty quiet, too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was exhausted from the weekend and just wanted to sleep which is exactly what I did.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Wednesday I felt a little better, still tired.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I slept as much as I could, cleaned the house a little bit, and did some laundry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Although it was obvious little A had moved… I felt like I had been riding a horse for 24 hours straight and was walking bowlegged.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(I laugh about it now but it wasn’t very funny at the time, it was rather uncomfortable.)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">That’s a good sign, </i>I thought.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At about 8:30pm that evening after my mom had left, I was walking across our apartment to go pee when I felt a contraction and then a small gush of fluid. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My water just broke!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No, I must of just peed myself, Little A’s due date is today and most first time moms go 41 weeks, 2+ days.</i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I told Greg and he followed me into the bathroom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I knew it wasn’t pee because I was still holding the urge to pee but fluid was coming out a little bit at a time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In denial that I was ever going to have this baby and that I would remain pregnant forever, I brushed it off and told Greg it was nothing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I finished up and walked back into the living room where I felt another gush of fluid.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This time when I made it to the bathroom, it was obvious my water had broken.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There were small pieces of vernix in the fluid.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I texted the midwife to let her know (although trying not to get excited since it was a small leak and I knew your amniotic sac could reseal if it’s just a leak).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Rest, drink lots and lots of fluids, and monitor your temperature was her orders – so that’s exactly what I did.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We finished up everything we needed to do to prepare for our home birth and went to bed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not a single contraction the rest of the night and into Thursday. <br />
<br />
Thursday, December 8<sup>th</sup>, I laid around and poured as much fluid down my throat as I thought was humanly possible.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Still leaking fluid, although it was getting less and less.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not one contraction.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was starting to feel like I was going crazy and that this baby would never come.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had thought that maybe the bag was resealing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I laid down on the couch to watch Dr. Phil (my secret addiction).<br />
<br />
At 3:30pm, a contraction hit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I felt nauseated, hot, weak, and could feel the surge of hormones and endorphins.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I took my temperature, I wasn’t running a fever.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I noted the contraction.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Another one at 3:40pm, I noted that one - 10 minutes apart.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>3:48pm – 8 minutes, 3:54pm – 6 minutes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Oh man, they’re really picking up.</i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I texted Greg and told him this might be it and he might need to leave work.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He’s on stand-by.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>3:57pm – 3 minutes, 3:59pm – 2 minutes, 4:01pm - 2 minutes, 4:02pm – 1 minute, 4:04pm – 2 minutes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I called Greg and he answered just as soon as another contraction hit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He heard me working through the contraction and said he’s on his way home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Thank God he only works 15 minutes from home, because the contractions kept coming every 2 minutes or less and were getting stronger.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Once Greg got home, he immediately called the midwife and notified the photographer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had texted Christina. She called, talked to Greg and headed our way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Greg started filling the birthing tub, and oh man I couldn’t wait to get in the water.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Time blurred together at this point.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I texted my sister to notify the family, called my dear friend and sister Heather for some emotional support while Greg was getting everything ready.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Christina got there, and I was so happy to see her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was able to relax quite a bit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She helped Greg get everything ready so he could take the role of my emotional support.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The photographer made it there next.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Her presence seemed to bring even more of a sense of peace.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The contractions were not at all what I expected.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They were more like surges.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was a rush of hormones and a tightening in your uterus.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Once the contraction peaked, you could feel a surge of endorphins that made you feel somewhat lightheaded as the contraction started falling.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was kind of like a high feeling coming down and in between contractions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The contractions were painful and intense, but not unbearable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They had a beginning, a peak, and then a decline.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You had a chance to work up to the most intense part and a chance to get your bearings afterwards.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The midwife and her assistant arrived, she listened to the baby, took my blood pressure and heart rate.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Everything was fine and little A was doing great. Not long after, the tub had enough water for me to be comfortable in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I couldn’t get in fast enough.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The water felt so amazing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I remember the contractions felt less than a third of what they felt out of the water.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">One contraction at a time</i>, I kept telling myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t think of how many contractions I already had, didn’t think of the next one or the next hundred I’d have to go through, I kept myself focused on the current contraction.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Relax and release.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Breathe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My body was made for this moment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No pain is greater than me because it is coming from me.</i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These were affirmations I kept telling myself, working through each contraction as they came.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had a list of scriptures the midwife read to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Such a peace, calmness, and strength came over me after hearing those verses.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">My body was made for this, God created me to give birth to this blessing.</i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had to completely fall into and embrace my weakness in order for this to be the spiritual, empowering, and healing birth Greg and I had wanted and prayed for.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One verse (not a verse I wrote down) came to mind and I clung to that verse through every contraction and in every prayer thereafter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“…Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me but He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made strong in weakness.’<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness… for when I am weak, then I am strong.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i>It is one of my favorite passages of scripture where Paul talks about his thorn in the flesh.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(2 Corinthians 12:7-10)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Many struggles in my life, God has brought me back to that passage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In this emotional and mental struggle of labor, God brought me to this passage yet again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He reminded me that no matter what He brings me to, He has to bring me to a point of utter surrender so that in my weakness, His strength and glory shines.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That was my dream and prayer for this birth of my son or daughter – that His strength and His glory would shine through me in bringing this blessing He was trusting me with into this world.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At that point, I understood and accepted that God would have to give me the power and the strength to accomplish this task.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How faithful He is to answer prayer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I quoted that scripture, prayed, and moaned through each contraction.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Never once did I yell or scream out in pain, never once did I say I couldn’t do this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had total confidence in the Lord, in my labor support, in my husband, and in my body that I could do this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I moved through the contractions. Mostly on my knees, leaning over the tub and holding on to my husband’s hands.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would stare into his eyes and he’d breathe with me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was drawing from his strength and the positive affirmations from my birth team.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Christina was bringing me water and drinks, and nothing ever tasted or felt so good going down.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Cold rags felt great.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Being able to move, sway.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I found moaning in a deep, low moan relaxed my pelvic floor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was easier to focus on moaning low than on relaxing so that’s exactly what I did.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Low moans and noises felt great.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I could feel my baby moving down, I noticed the contractions were getting more intense.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“That’s great!” I could hear my midwife say as a moan would deepen or a noise would change pitch.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At one point I remember my husband asking, “why is that great?” and her response of, “she’s relaxed and making great progress.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Little words of encouragement that went such a long way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Christina and Michelle looking at me saying, “You’re doing fantastic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Keep breathing.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was such an empowering experience.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Greg finally got into the tub with me, and just his presence was enough support.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was so amazing and strong throughout it all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was the best labor support I could have ever asked for.<br />
<br />
Out of the blue, I felt my body push.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It startled me a little bit and I told my midwife that my body was pushing but I didn’t feel a need to push.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She told me to check myself and see if I could feel my baby.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I checked and could feel my baby’s head.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I felt all around it, I was completely dilated but felt a small cervical lip at the top part.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Greg then checked and felt our baby’s head too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The midwife came during the next contraction and helped pull the cervical lip over the head.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then the pushing started.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My body immediately took control and started pushing without me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had made it through transition and didn’t even realize I was in it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t have to bear down and push, but it felt so much better to so that’s what I did.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had no idea how long I had been in labor, time seemed to fly by.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I focused on one contraction at a time, one push at a time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I remember at one point the sheer exhaustion and wondering if I had enough strength to actually push my baby out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After every push, I asked God for enough strength to make it through the next push.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He answered every single prayer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He gave me enough strength to push again, and enough for the next push.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All of a sudden, something felt wrong.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I could feel Little A moving down with each push, but would move right back up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Something’s not right.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I feel like something is wrong.” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I told my midwife.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She asked what I thought was wrong.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I feel like the baby is stuck, it’s not making progress like it should be.” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The midwife checked me and sure enough, little A was turned a little funny trying to come out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She was able to rotate the baby from 10 to 1 in between contractions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>More pushing and I could tell a huge different.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The baby was moving down.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I leaned back up against Greg and pulled my legs up as far as I could while I pushed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This position hurt more than squatting but definitely felt more effective so I stayed in this position and pushed as hard as I could.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After a while, I could see and feel my baby’s head.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was so exhausted and felt like every ounce of strength I had was gone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Through prayer, God gave me just enough strength to make it through the next push.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Closer and closer we were to meeting our baby.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The joy and excitement was starting to build.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The burning started as my baby started to crown.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It hurt but it wasn’t worse than anything else.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My midwife was providing perineal support to help prevent tearing and applying hot compresses.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh, the hot compresses felt like a little bit of heaven.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They didn’t stay hot long though since I was already in the water but the sudden heat and pressure was enough to take the edge off.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They couldn’t keep them coming fast enough.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Poor Christina burned her hands getting them out of the crock pot and to the tub.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The baby had officially crowned and my midwife told me to wait as long as I could before pushing again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I knew this was critical to keep from ripping so I waited as long as I could.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I could see my baby’s head, jet black hair.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Love already started to flood my heart and an explainable joy was building up in me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">My baby is almost here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>God, give me strength.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i>My body started to push again and I pushed with it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>With that push my baby’s head was born. The midwife checked for a cord around the baby’s neck.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I asked her if there was one, she smiled and said no.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I then remember her saying, “Greg, come get your baby.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The moment we had been waiting and praying for was here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m not sure how it all happened since I was already on cloud nine, Greg somehow moved in front of me and someone was now supporting me from behind.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I remember seeing the joy and amazement in Greg’s eyes when he put his hands on his baby’s head.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Here comes the next contraction.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I pushed and out came the shoulders.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I looked down to see Greg and only Greg holding and delivering our baby.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What a powerful sight to see such strong hands holding a baby being born, my husband’s hands holding our baby being born.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I heard the words, “your baby is almost here!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You’ve done it!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now look at your baby, momma and push.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>With one final joyful push, my baby was born peacefully, in the water, at home into my husband’s loving arms at 11:14pm.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He pulled our baby out of the water and put Little A on my chest and placed a wet towel over us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was the most unbelievable moment of my life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was holding my baby, my husband was right there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No bright lights, no one trying to take my baby away from me for tests.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just the praises of our birth team, my husband, my baby and me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After a few seconds, I asked my husband what we have.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He pulled the towel back and checked… “it’s a boy!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I heard our birth team exclaim, “you have a son!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In that moment, I got to look down at my son and call him by his name for the very first time, Ashton Brody Neil Jamison.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I remember gazing into Greg’s eyes as he looked at me, beaming with pride.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He kissed me ever so lightly as I said “we have a son!”<br />
<br />
The midwife listened to him and checked him out while he was still in my arms.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The photographer took pictures.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We waited on the cord and placenta while admiring our baby.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I birthed the placenta and when the cord was done pulsing, Greg and I cut the cord together.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He took the baby as I got out and they wrapped me up in towels.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We crawled in bed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The midwife checked and I had torn a little, it was a surface tear (1<sup>st</sup> degree – only skin, doesn’t tear into the tissue or muscle).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It required a few stitches, I think there were 6 total.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She stitched me up and then left us alone as a family while they prepared the herbal bath for Ashton and I.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was pure bliss.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There we were… Greg, Ashton, and I… laying in bed, as a family, peaceful, at home, safe, healthy and happy not even an hour since our son’s birth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wouldn’t have traded that moment in time for the world.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>53 hours of labor & 2 ½ hours of pushing later, my son was here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’d go through it 100 times for that moment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ashton had his first bath with me and he loved every minute of it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Afterwards, they did the newborn exam.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was 7lbs 10oz. and 19.5” long with a 14” head and chest.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was perfect.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My husband was amazing and was all the physical and emotional support I needed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>God answered every prayer and through my weakness, His power, glory, and strength were evident.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My birth team was amazing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had done it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I gave birth at home, in the water, with my husband and birth team.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had done what so many people criticized us for, what I had been told by several people I couldn’t or shouldn’t do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I never screamed, never said I couldn’t do it, never wished for medication.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I gave birth at home, naturally, without fear.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>God gave me the strength to give birth to my son the way He intended child birth to be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am forever thankful to Him for His faithfulness, to my husband for his unconditional love and support, and to my birth team for every roll they played.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was the most spiritual, empowering, and magical moment of my life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can’t wait to do it all again.<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"></i></span></div></div>Crunchyfab Mommahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13666670135061199381noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1109670105393080944.post-31190438663386397222010-12-14T03:53:00.000-06:002015-08-11T19:47:00.788-05:00Holdin' on...<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Another night of not sleeping. I can feel my body getting worn down and sick from not being able to sleep. I've been praying and trying to figure out why I've had a hard time sleeping... I guess whatever God is trying to teach me, I'm not getting it yet. I'm still seeking God in what He has planned for me and what I need to work on.. and that list goes on for about a mile, hahaha. He seems to have a sense of humor like that.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">There's been so much going on that I feel like I'm almost drowning. To top everything off, a very close friend passed away on the 11th. There won't be a funeral which is hard. I don't know how to say goodbye or let go without a funeral. There's no closure, and I wouldn't even know where to begin on starting the healing process. Now I know why people pay so much money for funerals. It's caused me to examine my own life. What does God want me to do? What is His calling on my life? I know what He's given me a heart for and what I want to do, but is it what God wants? I find it so easy to fall into the mindset of "I want this, I want that, that would be nice" when I know it should be "what does God want for me? What can I do to bless someone else?". I'm reminded of a verse God gave me the other day... </span><span class="UIStory_Message"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><em>Philippians 4:10-13 - What an encouragement to know that not only does God acknowledge our struggle to be content but He gives us strength to be content in whatever situation we're facing. </em>Not sure if I'm the only one, but that's hard - to be content in whatever situation we're facing. Obviously, God knew I was going to struggle with this along with other people. So He gave us the strength to be content. We can't be happy or be content unless we allow ourselves to -<br />
#1- Accept whatever work God is doing in our lives as part of His divine plan<br />
#2- Let go of everything we're holding on to and lay them at the cross<br />
#3- Allow His peace and His Ru'ach Ha Kodesh (Holy Spirit) to saturate us<br />
#4- Believe and hold on to the promise that He will never leave us and that everything works out for the good of those that love the Lord.<br />
<br />
So I'm gonna hold on with everything I have left in me for the promise that He will never let me walk alone.</span></span></span><br />
<span class="UIStory_Message"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><br />
</span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><em><strong>I don't think anyone can see me<br />
I don't feel anyone is there<br />
To catch me if I fall<br />
And I can't help but hide myself<br />
Longing for the arms of Jesus<br />
Waiting for the One I love<br />
To whisper in my ear<br />
And tell me I am loved again<br />
I feel you inside of me, I'm not alone<br />
<br />
It's the right time to feel your love again<br />
'Cause they can't see me<br />
And they don't wanna let me in<br />
But You are smiling 'cause you know where I began<br />
And I know it's time<br />
To feel your love again<br />
<br />
The Right Time by Jake</strong></em></span></span></span>Crunchyfab Mommahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13666670135061199381noreply@blogger.com1